I mean - who really wants to tackle anything that’s pre-labeled “difficult”? We’ve created a reason to avoid them right from the start.
Other things that are well known to be difficult typically just happen - a loss, a break up, life transitions, learning a new skill. They happen, and then we decide if they are difficult or not. Often they are hard at the outset, but later we can glean different meaning, even gratitude, relief or clarity, despite the fact that it was challenging when it occurred. These kinds of events might be difficult because we were caught by surprise, or it happened to us suddenly and with profound impact. And yet, here we are - we’ve made it through each difficult situation we’ve encountered thus far, perhaps changed, but still keepin’ on.
As leaders, communicating is a core competency that runs right alongside the taking of responsibility for improving people & processes*. It comes with the job, friends.
So why do some conversations get this pre-qualifier? Why have we decided certain conversations are harder than others? Let’s break some things down.
First definitions:
conversation - informal spoken or written exchange of thoughts, ideas, feelings, or information**
difficult - needing skill or effort; not easy or simple, hard to do or understand; used to describe things requiring extra physical, mental, or emotional effort, are complex to navigate**
Now, let’s list the ingredients of a conversation we would likely label as nice, easy, or fun:
Being in connection
Mutual exchange of information
Curious to know more
Topics may vary - from light, polite small talk to a discussion or deeper exploration
Ideally with coffee & snacks
And a difficult one?
In connection? - ideally (please don’t do this over text)
Mutual exchange? - definitely. While you might begin, one way dialogue is never fun.
Curious? - possibly (more on this in a sec)
Topic? - probably on the deeper discussion end of the spectrum
Snacks? - always help
So if most of the core elements of the conversation are similar, what is REALLY going on here? Spoiler alert: it’s fear - with a hefty dose of not wanting to disappoint, disrupt, or make waves.
Leaders are afraid of conversations that may be difficult because they don’t want to disappoint someone, be misunderstood, be unclear, or feel that the receiver is let down in some way. More selfishly, they worry they won’t be believed, or are diminished in some way in the esteem of someone else. But this fear paints us as the knower of all things, when there is way to actually know what the receiver will feel. We worry they will have those feelings, and they very well may - but what if it also brings relief? Clarity? Feeling cared for?
Using the definitions noted above - a “difficult conversation” requires “skill and effort to exchange information”. All the more reason for you, as a leader, to bring intention, care, and preparation to EVERY conversation, regardless of their potential for difficulty. This makes EVERY conversation more real, more necessary, and is preventive of undue difficulty.
If we took the fear out of it, we’d want two people to exchange information, discuss and create meaning together, walk away changed, still in connection with one another. And so the rebrand: instead of difficult, we are having real conversation.
Ingredients of a real conversation:
Be in connection - Check in. Let the person know you are with them and that you care for and about them.
Mutual exchange of information - tell the truth, be deliberate, and ask for input as you go.
Create curiosity - Give the person an opportunity to ask questions, and also check your own understanding. Is there more going on here than you were aware of previously?
Topics may vary - no conversation is the same as another. Each person and issue needs its own unique approach
Snacks - don’t sugarcoat. The rest is up to you.
Through these lenses, how could you NOT have this conversation? It is your responsibility, yes. But it is also an opportunity that, while possibly difficult, also presents the possibility for growth, learning, and connection.
Coaching questions to support you in your next REAL conversation:
What do I want this person to walk away knowing? What is the clearest, straightest way to share that information?
What do I hope they will feel as a result?
What is the intent behind my message? How am I grounded in my values while communicating this information?
Daly Dose of Real Talk: As leaders, we can’t control how someone will feel. But we can take steps to bring intention to HOW we have a conversation that turns what may otherwise be difficult into something that is real, meaningful, and necessary.
Links & Resources:
Citations
*Brene Brown: Dare to Lead, page 4. “{a leader is} anyone who takes responsibility for finding the potential in people and processes, and who has the courage to develop that potential.”
**Merriam Webster dictionary
