How to Say the Thing
This post is inspired by the leadership arc of Ritchie on “The Bear”, and the one line & transformation I can’t stop thinking about.
Let me get one thing out of the way: this show leaves a lot to be desired with respect to leadership in the workplace. Toxicity and unprocessed trauma (and loads of cursing) are around every corner. Mutual respect gains some traction, but often gets trampled on by harbored resentment. In general, however, it does illustrate how people generally bring good intent and try really hard to lead, but there are any number of things that can get in the way. There is truth, and discomfort, in all of that.
But Ritchie’s story arc is my favorite of the whole show. For those who aren’t familiar here are the cliff notes:
Season 1 - he’s a hothead with a lost sense of purpose and a lot of grief that shows up as anger.
Season 2 - he has a mentor-slash-cousin (Carmy) who shows him what can be possible, for himself and in the restaurant business. (Ritchie’s episode, “Forks”, #7 makes me weep.)
Seasons 3 & 4 - Ritchie and the team try to find their footing, he’s trying really hard but the work is only getting harder.
And now - Season 5, which I haven’t even finished so I won’t be able to spoil, but the moment I’ve been waiting for is whether Ritchie will figure out how to say the thing.
Ritchie’s been trying for months now to inspire the team. We see him poring over a notebook, finding quotable quotes he hopes will convey…something just outside his grasp. He’s trying to be what he thinks he should be as the front-of-house leader - and coming up short again and again. Finally, Carmy says to him: “You just gotta be honest. Don’t read some BS quote…level with everybody…real…passionate…that makes you want to go kill it.”
Honestly, it is kindof a throw-away conversation at the beginning of the episode, but it stopped me in my tracks. I can’t stop thinking about it because, isn’t that just it? It’s so simple, and not to be confused with easy. We get in our own way (as Ritchie does) with what should I say? What will they think? How am I supposed to sound? What if I sound full of BS? What if I say or reveal too much? I do not want to diminish that worry, because behind it is someone wanting to do well, to do right by others, trying hard. And someone who recognizes the responsibility that what they say - and how they say it - matters.
And isn’t that just it? It is the annoying, paradoxical, twisted, unfair truth that when we arrive with simplicity, clarity, honesty, courage, real-ness…THAT is where the magic is. It’s magical for the messenger because we feel relief to not carry something inauthentic. It’s magical for the receiver because they feel seen, validated, and less alone. They come alongside, they enter the arena with their leader - united and together, instead of at distance.
So now, you ask - how do I do that? Let’s put some tried-and-true coaching questions up against those very-real fears above one by one:
What should I say? - What would you want to hear if you were the receiver? What do you imagine they are thinking, wondering, worrying about? How would you want to be received in those emotions? What words feel authentic to you?
What will they think? - How do you want to be received & perceived? What kind of messaging supports that? What would be the worst thing they could think, and how real is that? What might be the best they would think, and how close to that are you?
How am I supposed to sound? - What is behind your model of “supposed to”? Where does that come from? How closely does that model resemble what you are trying to achieve?
What if I sound full of BS? - What do non-BS leaders sound like? What do you sound like when you’re not pretending? How might you get this message closer to that outcome?
What if I say or reveal too much? - What is the risk if you do? What are the guardrails you can use to mitigate that risk? What is the counter-risk, of not saying the thing at all?
Communicating, inspiring, engaging, galvanizing, and being honest are ALWAYS scary, vulnerable moments. There’s no avoiding it either - it’s part of the gig as a leader, and is universal across industries. The good news is - the more you practice, the easier it gets. And once you find your path, it will transform how you lead - everywhere.
So how does Ritchie do? I told you no spoilers - you’ll have to watch season 5, episode 4 to find out. I’m rooting for you, and all the Ritchie’s out there as you find your way.
Daly Dose of real talk - What we do and say, and how we do and say it, matters. It leaves marks. It has the power to galvanize and unite, or to create a wedge. Wield that responsibility with respect, which looks like being true. True to self, true to others, true to context, and true in your voice.
p.s. - I rewatched “Forks” while writing this post. At the beginning of the episode is a clip of the Coach K, of Duke basketball fame, talking about his coaching journey. He says, “What an interesting life - to be a leader”. I don’t imagine it is by accident that coaching, leading, and finding a sense of self is why this episode and the rest of Ritchie’s story arc resonate so deeply with me.
AI Disclosure, Resources & Links
I used ChatGPT via ChatOn to summarize the story points of the 5 seasons of “The Bear” without spoilers.
All episodes of “The Bear” can be streamed on Hulu - www.hulu.com. This post is unaffiliated & unsponsored by Hulu, Disney+ or other susidiaries; all opinions expressed herein are my own as a genuine fan of the show.
Coach Krzyzewski’s (aka Coach K) Most Important Leadership Lessons, originally posted in 2017 - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xw2cqR3uZ3c
Coaching questions are not proprietary - but do reflect my personal approach & style in coaching. If these resonate with you, let’s connect! Book a Powerful Connection
